No, I’m not going to bore you with the sappy backstory or even how it all happened. Instead, I feel like it is important to share how I overcame it and used it to my advantage per say.
I was sitting in a front row chair in the youth room at church, the white static-stricken chair making it hard to sit still. My youth pastor was in the middle of his message and if we are being totally honest I don’t even remember what the message was even remotely about. I had been sulking in my own grief for about two weeks straight. Secluding myself and not wanting to interact with anyone—especially the people who claimed they wanted to “help me through this.” But I do remember this, I was dazed off completely thinking about how much had changed in my life in such a short amount of time, one of those dazes where you stare blankly at something and make facial expressions to go with your thoughts even though you do not realize it. My mind finally snapped back to what was going on presently and, even though I cannot recall what the message was about, I can recall that the phrase that caught my attention did not really pertain to the subject of the message at all. It was almost like it was speaking directly to me.
“In Acts, we see Paul on the road to Damascus, and on that journey, his life completely changed. Paul basically had to have a slap in the face in order for God to get his attention. He took Paul’s eyesight away.” My youth pastor then spoke as if he were God talking to Paul about his situation, “You see Paul, I had to take something you depended on so that you would depend on me.”
Now, the beginning of that is not exactly word for word what he said, so I am paraphrasing a little…but let me tell you that last sentence is word for word. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Shivers shot down my spine, and I tried all I could to hold back the emotions that flowed through me. It seemed God himself had just spoken out of the mouth of my youth pastor, and giving me the answers I had so fervently pleaded for in the last two weeks—Why, God!? Why!? I quickly opened the notes app on my phone and typed out the quote—I knew this was something I wanted to be able to remind myself of later. I could not hold back the tears any longer. When altar call came I fell on my face and laid it all at His feet. I had forgotten what it was like to feel God’s presence. It had been way too long.
“Lord, take it from me. Take it out of my hands.” I cried.
The floor was drenched in tears and sweat, my legs were shaking, and my face was burning. My throat was swollen and my nose running from all the sobbing, yet I felt peace. Finally.
You see, I had come to depend on that certain thing so heavily that I felt as if I did not need God for any of my problems. I just kind of placed God on the back burner and let the pot boil dry. I knew deep down inside that the way I was prioritizing was not right, but I had lived in that mindset so long that I had become immune to that little voice in my head. That “little” voice that used to scream out at me at night or during church that I needed to fix my eyes back to things above. The little voice that my flesh said was insignificant—and I listened to it. I had depended on that thing for confidence, self-worth, contentment, and happiness… I depended on it for everything, it was my whole world. By definition, I suppose it became my idol. So, when I heard that God had to remove from Paul that which he depended on so he would depend on God; it all clicked and made perfect sense.
I made up in my mind that night that I was tired of dealing with it. Tired of dealing with my depressed, sullen state of mind. Tired of dealing with the thought that my whole world had been pulled out from under me—because it had. I was sick and tired of beating myself up day and night. I was tired of feeling weak. Now, do not get me wrong here I could not have made it through without God’s help, but there were a couple of things I had to fix about myself in order to overcome it.
Confidence: I had to realize that I was enough. That I had what it took to be a leader and that there are several girls younger than me that need someone in their life to help them.
Self-Worth: I was bigger than my problem. More importantly, God was bigger than my problem. The God behind you is always bigger than the giants in front of you.
Smile: I tried to remind myself to smile every opportunity I got. Nobody was concerned with my problems and nobody needed to know I was having problems, I’m sure they all had their own to take care of.
Social: I had to open up. No more closed doors, or seclusion. I needed to be with other people who would lift me up and make me laugh more.
Spiritual: I absolutely had to get back on track with God. Daily Bible reading and studying and prayer anytime I thought about God’s grace.
Happiness is a state of mind. Not a person. Not money. It’s not something somebody else can make for you. YOU are responsible for your own happiness.
Romans 8:35-37 says:
35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?
36 As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.
37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us.
We are MORE THAN CONQUERORS through Him [Jesus Christ] that loved us.
You don’t have to settle for just winning the battle. Strive to be a CONQUEROR over your fears, problems, and situations. After overcoming my sullen mindset I began to view myself as a conqueror, and that verse still brings me to tears to this day.
The next six months after that were my biggest months of spiritual growth that I have ever been through. I made it a point to take my focus off of me and on to other people. I know you cannot get back lost time, but I made it a point to try my hardest to “make up” for the time when my walk with God was the furthest thing from my mind. And anytime my mind tried to drift back to those memories, I would crack open my Bible and turn to Acts 9 where I have that quote written down in my margin.
All of this to say, I don’t know what you all are going through, but trust me you can make it. You are stronger than you believe; but more than that—God is stronger than any problem you may ever face. You cannot let your worst days control your life. When life knocks you down on your back, stand up, dust off, and face it head-on. And remember, smile and laugh it up, it will make your life so much better.
If you have any questions or would like to contact me about ANYTHING. Email me. My address can be found throughout various places on my site but it’s: morgandanielle009@gmail.com If you ever need guidance, a pick me up, or some advice, please do not hesitate! That is what my blog is here for!! I love each and every one of you so much and don’t forget that we are MORE THAN CONQUERORS through him that loved (and still does ;) us.
